Hayden’s Advice

In her ebook about love and marriage, Hayden (http://persistentillusion.wordpress.com) has reminded me of what it takes to make a successful marriage. Time prohibits me from giving away all of her secrets, so I’ll just concentrate on some of her comments about how men and women differ in their feelings of self worth. “While a woman’s self worth is often based on whether she is loved, a man’s sense of self is typically based on feeling worthy.”  She reminds her readers to “talk each other up” and warns us, “Do not verbally assault him.” 

While this sage advice would seem obvious, it evidently is not because on a daily (yes daily, Folks) hear partners berating each other. Sometimes it’s directly to each other and can be subtle or obvious. Rolling one’s eyes when her beloved  forgets to carry out the trash is subtle; calling him a selfish oaf is obvious…and as my mother would say, “uncalled for” too. Staring incredulously at your wife as she dives into a piece of cherry pie and ice cream is subtle (kind of), and asking her if she really needs those extra calories and fat grams is a little more blatant. Telling her she’s fat is really “nasty.”

Nasty has a nasty connotation. It’s one of those words that sounds like what it is, something especially unpleasant. Yet it’s a word I chose on purpose because social psychologists say they can often tell which engaged and married couples are going to “make it” in marriage and which ones aren’t based on one little thing: the proportion ratio of nice to nasty comments.

This makes perfect sense to me. Why would someone who sincerely loves another person knowingly make disparaging, hurtful, careless, or cruel remarks to him? Hayden remarks that it basically boils down to treating your beloved the way you want to be treated. Do you enjoy verbal assaults and putdowns? Would you enjoy thinking that your partner was berating you to his family or friends?  Would you feel wounded if he teased you about sensitive issues?

I’m summing with up with a reminder from Hayden to “Be excellent to one another.” Surely there are words you can speak and deeds you can do today that clearly demonstate your abiding love.

Deposits and Withdrawals

Here’s another Stephen Covey post. It’s not that Dr. Covey said (in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People) anything that I didn’t already know in some part of my being; it’s that he said things in a different way, one that spoke directly to my heart and mind. This morning when I walked in the dining room and saw a newly upholstered chair, Covey’s concept of the emotional bank account came to mind.

 People in all sorts of relationships have emotional bank accounts whether it’s a friendship, a marriage, a love relationship, a parent-child relationship, or any other type of bond. Each individual has the opportunity to make various types of deposits, something that’s necessary because each person is sooner or later going to make some withdrawals. What each party needs to do is to make sure that deposits outweigh withdrawals. This concept is so simple that I can’t believe that I didn’t think of it myself. 

Think for a moment about your checking account. I know more or less at any given moment about how much money I have in my account. Before I pay a huge bill, indulge in a new pair of shoes, or buy a shower gift, I need to know how much I can spend. If I spend more than I have in the account, I overdraw. Who wants that? I’m better at financial management now that I was when I was a younger person juggling the needs of a growing family, but there have been a few unpleasant moments when I overdrew and had to pay a big penalty.  Paying overdraft fines is something I try to avoid, and I’m conscientious about the ratio of deposits to withdrawals.

Dr. Covey suggests applying this same principle to our relationships with others. DH and I have discussed this principle many times, and although he’s not that into psychology or “touchy-feely” issues, he likes this concept. In fact, he’ll often ask, “Am I overdrawn?” In case either of us feels underappreciated, we might say, “Did you notice that deposit?” “Does baking brownies count as a deposit?” “Did you notice that I picked up the pinecones, cleaned up the kitchen, or ironed your shirts? “ You’d think that people wouldn’t need reminders, but they do. In intimate relationships, people often tend to take each other for granted. At the same time, sometimes they’re quick to judge another’s shortcomings or flaws.

Lately DH has been spending a lot of time with his hunting cronies in the woods. Many afternoons and every Saturday can find him sitting in a deer stand waiting for Bambi. This past Sunday AFTER all day in the woods Saturday, he played golf with his brothers.  I was beginning to feel a little neglected and asked him to pencil in some couple time for this upcoming weekend. He listened and then reminded me that we had spent a couple of hours selecting plants and trees for the yard Saturday after lunching together at Zaxby’s.  “Doesn’t that count for something?” he asked.  Yes, as a matter of fact it does, and he’s in no danger of overdrawing the account.

Yesterday, however, he made what I call a thousand dollar deposit. He recovered one of the two dining room chairs that I recently purchased at a thrift store.  They’re the perfect accompaniment to the oak dining table and the four wasabi chairs that sit in our russet colored dining room. After unscrewing the seat of the chair, he placed it on a piece of fabric and cut the material a couple of inches larger. Next, he cut the foam to fit the chair seat bottom. Placing all three layers together and stretching the fabric as tightly as possible over the foam and chair bottom, he used his staple gun to secure the layers to each other.  Using his drill, he then secured the chair bottom to the chair itself. Voila! The chair I’d been hiding in a corner now sits in a prime location and sports a lovely brown, green, and blue fabric stretched over some comfortable foam.

When he left for work this morning, I told him how much I appreciated his handiwork and added that I saw it as a major deposit. He looked at me with a slight smile and said he might go to the woods for a little while this afternoon. That’s cool. After all, his account is healthy. Now I’m wondering how mine looks.

All Work and No Play?

This afternoon has me thinking about Stephen Covey’s 7^th habit, Sharpen the Saw. I don’t have the book (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People) in front of me at the moment, so this little explanation will be a paraphrase based on memory. Covey tells the story of a man trying hard to saw down a tree in the woods. The saw is rusty and dull, so the sawing is going slowly, and the woodcutter is especially tired. When asked why he doesn’t stop and sharpen his saw, he responds that he doesn’t have time. Doesn’t that sound cuckoo? He’d rather keep on getting nowhere fast than take a few minutes to sharpen his saw, an act that would speed up the tree cutting process and save some of his energy.

But can you see that little story applies to you? I can. In fact, this morning as I was out walking and enjoying this gorgeous weather, the woodcutter story came to mind. For the past two weekends, I’ve been doing fun stuff. Make that three weekends because the weekend I kept my precocious and beautiful grandchildren was a fun one too. Looking back, a few highlights include visits to two museums, dining out in cool restaurants (including a Mickey Dee’s where the grandchildren, Lib, and I enjoyed ice cream cones and fruit smoothies), getting a henna tattoo at Karma’s on Ocean Blvd. in Myrtle Beach (it’s already faded, alas), and shopping/ browsing.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been working, working, working too.  A strong believer in the Protestant work ethic, I buy into the “no free lunch” truism and have never been a shirker. Still…there comes a time when you need to walk away from the computer, the office, the firm, or the plant and sharpen the saw. When my children were little, one of my many mottoes was, “We work and then we play.” Too much work can make a person irritable, fatigued, and dull. Why some people think that working harder and harder and harder WITHOUT A BREAK is going to make them more successful and happier is beyond my comprehension.

Covey’s sharpening the saw recommendation is sort of like the phrase that, “All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.”  I’ve been at the computer for several hours (off and on) today, and now it’s time to have some fun.  Hmmm. Maybe I’ll take some time out to go to the library and read some cool magazines…or perhaps try a new cookie recipe. Then again, I noticed that a movie I’ve been wanting to see is playing downtown. I’m for sure going to do something “sharpening” so that when I get back to the work, I’ll feel refreshed.

What about you?

Palin vs. Obama??

I made the mistake of listening to NPR on the way back to work from a late lunch. I say “mistake” because of the strident voices of other women bashing Sarah Palin. She’s against abortion, one wailed. If she had been for it, others would have railed against her just as harshly. “She’s the mother of five children, and I don’t have children,” another screeched while lamenting that she couldn’t connect with Palin. If she were childless, then still other women would likely accuse the governor of being out of touch with the “real” issues faced by America’s families. 

I don’t have time to debate all the spiteful things I heard. I just have one question to ask: Is it Palin vs. Obama? I’m asking because unless I missed something, it’s still McCain vs. Obama, and I haven’t heard anyone asking these questions of Biden.

Tattoos and Friends

Karma’s is the name of the boulevard business where Connie, Kristi, and I decided to get our henna tattoos on Saturday. Right across the road from the Atlantic, we had a clear, unobstructed view of ocean, earth, and sky as we had our tats applied. There’s just no place on earth like a beach business. People stroll in and out wearing all sorts of garb from bathing suits to what I fondly refer to as touristy attire, clothing that they wouldn’t dare wear “back home.” As they sauntered into Karma’s, many beach visitors stopped to watch the artist at work, and one elderly African American lady decided on the spot that she needed to have a henna tattoo like ours. When we left the shop to amble down the boulevard, she had chosen her design and was patiently waiting for its application.

 

About the time we left Karma’s, Elizabeth joined us, and after browsing through another store, we all decided it was lunchtime. Where to dine? One stipulation was that the restaurant be unlike any we had at home. Don’t get me wrong; we like Chili’s and the Texas Road House, but we can eat Quesadilla Explosions and Chicken Critters at home. We decided on Abuelo’s, the best Mexican restaurant in Myrtle Beach, and fifteen minutes later, the four of us were seated there with Lisa, Sarah Beth, and Doris. What a motley group we were. From a young college student to her grandmother and every stage in-between, we sat around the large table and feasted on the chips and salsa and became better acquainted.

 

The blue sky and white cloud ceiling, Latino music, palm trees, colorful murals, and professionally attired employees, all combined to create the perfect ambience for our fun day. And did I mention how yummy the food was? I hope Connie blogs about the papas. Muy delicioso. As we sat together enjoying the food and conversation, I couldn’t help but remember a quote I’d seen on a cross stitch sampler years ago: “We may never pass this way together again.” For that moment in time, the seven of us came together and shared an hour of food, fun, and fellowship.

 

Hunger sated, we went shopping at Homegoods. Nothing like a few moments of retail therapy to top off the day. All good things come to an end (is that a trite expression or what?), and the other four gals went their separate ways while Kristi, Connie, and I made one more trip to the boulevard. I just had to get a fake giraffe bag like everyone and her sister have, and after much deliberation, I opted for one with a green strap. One more stop, and Kristi and I were headed back to the midlands: Sonic for cherry limeades. Tangy, cold, and loaded with sugar, they were SO GOOD!

 

Ah, life’s little pleasures: A little sun on your skin, an ocean in your view, friends to share a meal and conviviality, a novel experience (henna tattoos), different sights (like the parking lot attendant’s colorful hair), and a day out of Dodge. Some famous person once said, “Life’s too short to be little.” We made ours a little bigger Saturday. What about you?

Seaforms and Carolina Wrens

I think it was Sarah Ban Breathnach who said that some days are filled with simple pleasures and that others are redeemed by them. This post is about the former situation. Saturday was a day chocked full of simple pleasures, the kind that make your heart sing and rejoice in the beauties of the earth, in people’s various gifts and creations, and in the importance of friendship..and really of all connections, both human and nonhuman.

Connie and I headed out in the late morning to see the Seaforms exhibit at the Columbia Museum of Art. In a word, awesome. I truly do not have a vocabulary sufficient to describe these magnificent, colorful assorted glass shells, jellyfish, and other treasures of the sea. How, we wondered, could a mortal man create such spectacular beauty in a studio? We walked around like “country come to town” admiring each and every piece, exclaiming anew every few moments, “Look! Can you believe this? Isn’t it gorgeous? Check out the color, will you?” Incidentally, admission is free on Saturday. Before I forget, we visited the museum gift shop and purchased glass Hershey’s kisses to commemorate the viewing the glass seaforms.

Outside in the brilliant sunshine again, we sauntered down Main Street for a block or two and partook of the lively energy of a Latino festival. The food smelled SO GOOD, and we were sorely tempted to stop and enjoy a taco or two. Since we’d already planned to eat at DiPrato’s at the edge of the university campus, however, we resisted the allure of the delicious aroma and headed for the car. Along the way, Connie spied a tiny bird on its back, apparently fighting for its precious life. She gently turned it over, and the little creature struggled to move. “Maybe he’s resting,” she said. We had the same scary thought that some big-footed human might come along and squash the pretty little green backed hummingbird and were trying to figure out how to move him without harm when rescue arrived. An African American man who had been enjoying the festival came upon us, appraised the situation, and tenderly moved our feathered friend off to the side beneath some shrubbery. “At least now he’ll die in peace,” he said. 

We jumped in the Highlander again and headed for lunch, swerving around the curves and hills near and through the university. Once inside, we feasted on salad, sandwiches, and the best pita chips and pimento cheese in the world…yes, they’re that good. The food was excellent, and our fellow diners and our “girl talk” added to the ambience of the experience. 

Lunch over, we spent the rest of the afternoon shopping for a few specific items including just the right gift for Connie’s friend Paula, the book club book that I have yet to read, and some cupcake dessert plates at TJ Maxx (love that store!). We also strolled through Pier 1, and both of us thought of our iFriend Hayden and the little goodies we had fun selecting for her last week.  Where else but in the good old US of A can one freely explore such a bounteous display of merchandise? I wouldn’t call us materialistic; I would say, however, that we enjoy looking and touching things of beauty.

Our excursion over, I dropped Connie off at her home and reflected on our day. Ain’t life grand??? There are so many good things out there to see and experience, but so often we’re too busy, busy, busy with the details of our lives that we don’t stop long enough to see them, much less savor them.  I can’t count the number of times I’ve driven through Columbia, SC, but until Saturday I had never, no never, noticed the little Carolina wrens hopping around the sidewalks.

Sarah Palin

Politics is a tough business, even more so if you’re a woman.  When I first heard that John McCain had chosen Sarah Palin as his VP choice instead of Mitt Romney (MY first choice), I was a bit disappointed. But then I saw a photograph of this woman and was curious enough to read a little about her life and her accomplishments.  Within minutes, I knew why McCain had chosen this extraordinary person to be his running mate.

Alas, the political pundits pounced on her with their cheap potshots and cruel innuendos within moments.  I like the lady. She’s smart, gutsy, charismatic, and capable; she loves her husband, her children, the great state of Alaska, and the United States of America. She’s proven herself to be a competent, popular leader who is not afraid of taking a stand.  What’s not to like?

·         She’s nice-looking, downright striking. If she’d been unattractive, folks would have made stinging remarks about that too.

·         She’s a mother, and from what I’ve observed, a darned good one. Some people have issues with the mother of five holding such a high political office and wonder if she shouldn’t be at home baking cookies or changing the baby’s diapers? Would they say same thing if her husband had a VP opportunity?

·         Some people say she shouldn’t have brought the infant with Down syndrome to a crowded convention hall. If she hadn’t, her critics would have either accused her of being ashamed of him or of neglecting him.

·         Some people feel that if she can’t provide enough leadership in her own home (referring to the expectant daughter), then she surely can’t provide leadership on a larger scale. HUH? Have YOU ever tried to control teenagers? Cutting remarks like that make me think of Christ who when confronted with t he adulterous woman (but not the man), drew a line in the sand and asked for whoever was without sin to cast the first stone. 

·         Some people feel that perhaps she’s a little too confident, self-assured, and perhaps strident.  If she were meek and mild, content to stay in the shadows, her critics would have a heyday with her timidity.

From my observations, Sarah Palin is an excellent choice. It’s a little thing, but sometimes little things (gestures, glances, posture, facial expression, and so forth) can reveal volumes about a person…and in the case, a family. When Palin’s youngest daughter (who must the 3^rd cutest little girl in the world after my two granddaughters) spit on her hand and then lovingly slicked down the hair of her little brother who was sleeping nestled in her arms, I KNEW that there was plenty of love in that family and that Sarah Palin and her husband were great parents and great people.

The Tough Palms

Just a quick post. Many of the southern states are watching and waiting to see what happens with Hanna and Ike, hurricanes in the Atlantic making their way towards us. No wait, has Hanna changed her mind? From living at the coast for so  many years, I’m well familiar with the seemingly fickle (to humans) behavior of hurricanes, so the best approach is to prepare for the worst and then wait…and wait some more.

Anyway, this morning I donned a stretchy bracelet of palm trees and white and green crystal stones because it seemed like the thing to do…sort of like honoring the ‘canes, past and present, and all of my friends who are possibly in the current hurricanes’ paths. By the way, although the bracelet might sound tacky, it’s not. True, I did buy it from the Surfside Flea Market, but it IS NOT cheap and tawdry looking. Well, you’d probably never see Cindy McCain wearing it, but still….

Here’s the point of this post: When looking at the bracelet a few minutes ago, I recalled something I’d read many, many years ago about palm trees and their strength. The writer (who was it???) talked about how strong, sturdy, unbending trees would often snap and break in fierce winds and ferocious weather. Not the beautiful, graceful palm, however. Why? Because she bends and “gives” with the storms and is hence better able to weather them. When I first read that, I remember thinking that’s how I wanted to be: graceful, bending, swaying, and flexible in order to weather all the storms of my life. Being tough, unbending, and resolute are also admirable qualities, but I don’t want to break.

Weekend Tradeoff

This past weekend is a blur…not a total blur, but a blur nonetheless. From Friday afternoon until Sunday afternoon, my daughter Elizabeth and I had complete charge of my three grandchildren, ages 17 months through 5. My respect for my daughter Carrie and all young mothers has been increased immensely.

Sure, I was a young mother myself at one time, but when you’re in it, well, you’re just sort of in it, and you become accustomed (or I did) to the almost constant noise and neediness of youngsters. Someone always needs a diaper change, a glass of apple juice, a snack, a hug, a clean shirt, a book read to her or him, a game explained, a bath…and so on and on.  The little darlings’ parents came to pick them up Sunday afternoon and opted to spend the night and stay through Labor Day. It was a fun but busy time.

The reason we decided to keep Braden, Brooke, and Emma is that their parents, especially their little mama, needed and deserved a mini-vacation.  They spent a couple of nights in Charleston and did the tourist thing, ate in some classy restaurants, and slept uninterrupted for hours. Anyone who’s ever had a baby in the home will realize what a luxury that is! After my daughter Carrie returned Sunday afternoon, she and I had lots of opportunities to chat, and I found myself spouting off platitudes I’d been taught years ago.  Here are a couple: Life’s a tradeoff, and this too shall pass.

Life’s a tradeoff. No one has everything, at least not at the same time. If you opt to have little children, then you should know that you’re trading away peace of mind, free time, and discretionary income. As soon as you become a parent, you find yourself worrying and fretting about all sorts of issues. And guess what? That’s true even when they become adults. Many are the nights I’ve awakened with an issue that one of my three is dealing with on my mind. Free time??? HaHa. That’s a funny one. Fortunately, Carrie’s husband is a huge helpmeet, and they work together as a team to take care of their children’s needs.  Still, most of the daily nurturing and “maintenance” tasks fall to the mother.  Again, you trade free time and being footloose and fancy free for a season in life when your hours are consumed with the care of youngsters. And the money thing? If you enjoy getting your nails done, going on vacations, dining out, wearing the latest fashions, and drinking Starbucks on a regular basis, then that’s going to be curtailed after having children.  Get used to it. That’s your tradeoff. Children or peace of mind, free time, and money? Please don’t misunderstand me. I LOVE being a mother and didn’t really consider giving up these things as a sacrifice.

This too shall pass. This one’s been said so often that there’s not much to add. At the same time, we all need to be reminded of its truth. Sometimes we’re in the midst of a horrid, painful, or stressful situation, but tomorrow or next week or six months from now, things will be better. I once read a quote that went something like, “I have still bad days, but that’s okay. I used to have bad years.”  My message to Carrie and all young mothers is that one day your children will be adults, no longer “under foot,” but instead away at college, in the military, or living their lives in another town or state. Even while holding Baby Emma, she’s developing and changing in ways designed to take her away from us.  Enjoy it now, for this too shall pass.

No doubt about it.  Raising children is hard work, hard but also rewarding, fun, and occasionally even joyful.  Even now I can see Brooke twirling around my kitchen asking me to look at her as she did her “princess dance,” Braden as he sat quietly coloring at the small white kiddies’ table, and Emma as she stood with her hands folded behind her back, mesmerized by the tennis match on television. The weekend was a tradeoff. I traded time with the grandchildren for freedom to shop, read, blog, dine out, go to movies, work in the yard, and do totally self-centered things. And about that “this too shall pass” thing? Sadly, it already has.